Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Forgiveth Me, Lawd, For I Haff Sinned...

It was a month or so back when I was perusing one of my favorite poker-bloggy reads, Pokerati, when I stumbled into the comments section of one of Dan's posts and noticed something truly unique --- he'd been the recipient of an incredible long, rambling, whack-o letter from a party unknown.

I received a similar one myself at this blog a few days back; thank heaven for comments moderation, which I have so spam and other weirdness like this doesn't clutter the place unknowingly. Nor, I believe, was our mysterious proselytizer visiting only me, as a quick phrase check on Google suggests he might have hit Up For Poker and several mainstream blogs/news outlets as well. The missive offered 6,500 words of delusional goodness, proving once again that despite the over-prescribing of psychological medications in our society, there's at least one person out there not getting a proper dose. It started out with, "The Italian boot proves their premeditation," and rambled ever onward from there.

On rare occasions I enjoy perusing this manure, though it seems clear that our unknown friend must view poker and gambling as some sort of special wickedness, similar to the attitude shown by that weird far-right faith organization that's suddenly viewing rigid over-interpretation and over-enforcement of the UIGEA as their key to eternal salvation. Focus on Family, I believe their name is, and they're a bunch of kooks; there's a slightly-better-than-infinitismal chance that this came from one of that or a similar cause's sycophants.

But back to my comment visitor. A few choice nuggets for our enjoyment, presented [SIC] as always:

"This reflects poorly upon their reals on the other planets, despite the clone's different name and altered DNA."

"Of course Hitler was Austrian:::An Austrian-born leading a foreign nation. Glock, maker of the semi-automatic gun favored by black street gangs such as the Bloods and the Crips, is Austrian. RedBull Energy drink, Buwdeiser both Austrian. What role do Austrians play in the cigarette industry??"

"Oshkosh is a clue just as Lake Michigan and Green Bay are clues::::Oshkosh is the ejaculate clue:::Life springs forth from this region."

By the way, I used to live 20 minutes north of Oshkosh... darned if I knew all this stuff was going on under my nose....

"ANYTIME you feel 'peaked', experience craving or ANY thought disturbance where you want or like something irrationally (ex:::Halloween, Harley Davidson (theme:::Halloween colors), Dale Earnhardt, Christmas) IT IS THEM TRYING TO HURT YOU!!!!!! "Magic" is used EXCLUSIVELY to hurt the disfavored; it is the fuel of disfunction::::::addiction, homosexuality, crack babies."

Seriously, no same person could come up with that stuff....

"Kosher is a favor bestowed upon the Jews. The South eats LOTS of pork and there is an oyster bar on every corner:::::It's like liquor stores in the ghetto. This is the kind of irony the gods laugh about."

Cool. Equal-opportunity bashing. Even redneck 'Pubuhkins get it in this thing, too.

"Anybody on Earth who rides a motorcycle is subject to these percentages based on whatever category of disfavor they fall within. Far more homeless will die on a motorcycle than those who are comfortable, but they will still claim a certain percentage of the latter who ride motorcycles. gods will claim % of ALL who ride"

... and on and on and on and on... trust me when I say you haven't seen a tenth of it.

It'd been a while since I'd encountered one of these crazies first hand. Back in the day, I was privy to the monthly "nut files" mailing that Jim McLauchlin used to send out, back when he was the news editor of Wizard: The Guide to Comics. Comics-fan nutjobs (and I'm referring to the truly crazed ones) are a special breed, and the monthly selection of the weirdest and wildest that Jim assembled was something to behold.

But nut-case letters find their way to almost all forms of media. Back when I worked at Tribune Media Services in Milwaukee, we once received a letter from someone on the East Coast who sent out three copies of a long, rambling missive; one to the President, one to his Senator, and one to us at TMS. You'd think, given his choice of targets, the subject was something political, right?

Hardly. This thing was a tin-foil special, meaning that our letter writer had stumbled upon our use of TV antennae as a conduit for a source of some free and unlimited energy source, but he was only willing to share his secrets with us and the Prezzy and all for billions of dollars. The letter, too, was crammed full of odd symbols and wandered off for paragraphs at a time in exploration of the secret 'holy triune' that had delivered this wondrousosity unto him... and him unto us.

Prime reading, lemme tell ya; true schizophrenia is in some ways a wonder to behold. It way outclassed the guy who demanded a refund of 97% of his magazine susbscription price because he only watched Fox News and the Country Music Channel and the rest of his service was crap, anyway.

But back to my new pet commenter and his, ummm, thoughts. The whole thing wraps up with what I can only take as a threat, laughingly --- there's 100,000 more words of this stuff on the way. Oh my, whatever will I do? Maybe just keep laughing --- after all, someone out there thinks that stuff is related to a poker blog.


John G. Hartness said...

Yup - got me too. Twice. The continuation is crazier than the first bit!

Anonymous said...

I know we shouldn't encourage these guys ... but in a way, maybe we should?

Haley said...

I know, guys... all I can say is there's that warped part of my personality that enjoys poking a stick into a cage.