My Favorite Poker-Blog Spammer Kook Hath Returned...
It was precisely a quarter of a year ago (cue ominous music here), that I received a strange, strange comment spam from schizophrenic party unknown. 6,500 words of weirdness, it was, nor was I the first among us pokery-heathen types to have been bestowed with this author's gift. I'd noticed it first on a Michalski post over at Pokerati, and Falstaff commented that he'd received not only the same original, but an even longer and kookier follow-up.
I've either received the follow-up that Falstaff or yet another screed from the same poker-mesmerized commenter; his style is, shall we say, unmistakable. I've also done a bit more searching around the web and has determined that this is an equal-opportunity spammer, who slaps and copies huge chunks of his various 'messages' into the comments sections of a broad assortment of entertainment and lifestyle blogs. He often signs his posts with such addresses as 90srevelrycyclejustifiedwithclintonlegacy @whychelseawasbeatenwithanuglystick.com, which is kinda funny, at that. Evidence within his posts suggest that's he middle-aged (50-ish?), may have a Jewish upbringing, and lives, generally speaking, in the California Bay Area.
In a way, it makes me glad I don't live in California, not that people like this don't exist elsewhere. After all, it's kooks like these that got the likes of Tom Tancredo and Sam Brownback elected.
This latest bowel movement to pollute my inbox is just short of 26,000 words. No, I'm not gonna subject you to all of it, but I do think a quick top-ten list of passages is wholly called for. Actually, I could do ten top-ten lists from this stuff....
So without further ado, 'Ten Things That Some Lunatic Who Spams Poker Blogs Really Believes,' all lovely misspellings intact:
10) "They said there were like 100 Ronald Reagans spanning the length of his long career:::Hollywood, govenor of California then President of the United States. They say less than half are still alive today. I wonder if we set records with this individual."
9) "The optimal ascention senario is when parents depart Earth with their young children BEFORE their minds are posioned by this society. The next best-case senario is when an individual finds the path themself and makes their way out before puberty. Children who go up before puberty are candidates to remain the most superior of all life forms::The asexual. Expect these people to experience subsequent temptations once they arrive to further shrink the pool of candidates. Another example males are inferior to females:::Expect circumcision to play a part in this elimination round."
8) "Your virginity may buy you tens of thousands of years up there. So many of you homeschoolers recognize the cancer that is the public school system yet allow cable television into your home, defeating the purpose."
7) "Lassie was the clue::::The freely admitted there were multpiles, just as there are multiples of your favorite celebrities."
6) "Too many think they saved many during the Noah's Flood event. I suspect black people are very confused regarding their current state and I think this topic can shed light:::: These people living seaside on the Mediterranean during times of lower sea levels were slated for Termination. They were teetering on the brink for a long time. Expect that the gods offered clues prior to the event. If the gods wanted to save any of these people they would given them a second chance by sending them to higher ground. Count on very few being saved, and those whom were are the Ned Flanders rather than the Homer Simpsons."
5) "Yes, they ARE malicious and vindictive and yes, they WOULD beam a brain into a brain-less clone prior to a CAT scan:::
1. Had Hurricane Ivan DESTROY Grand Cayman (1999 vacation) and slice up through the middle of Alabama a mere six months after I was there for ONE full month.
2. Had Hurricane Wilma move up through the Caribbean and park on Cozumel (2002 vacation) for TWO FULL DAYS
3. Used Oakland A's to send a clue (dynasty, win only in crisis, chokers), and to deliver the desired message they inflicted the Loma Prieta Earthquake of 1989 (FOR YEARS there have been very few blacks on this team).
4. Dog food poisoning 2007
5. E-coli spinach issue of 2006
6. Obviously, they love to be malicious and vindictive.
6. Hawaiian earthquake after Hawaiian jewelry store visit.
7. Hawaiian flooding 2006
8. Local flooding 2006, including Devil's Slide
9. Lake effect snow event of 2007 because I enjoyed the humor behind it
10. I often expressed I enjoy the dynamics/news coverage of hurricanesâ€¦
11. Six within the last year. There were a whole lot more in the years preceding.
Or, more appropriately::::
115. The gods alter the script for the Apocalypse because I sprawled their plan all over the internet."
4) "It will ensure they can position out my rightful benefit package, immortality, entitling them to grant favor based on generosity instead. My seething hatred for those who violated me will ensure I will be beemed to the center of a star on year 10,001."
3) "3:15p. Fuck you god. Computer just went out. Had over a paragraph. I'm so sick of this CHEATING shit. You're all big boys. You raped the disfavored with boss just like you raped me to get boss. Take it like a man, immoral PIGS PIGS PIGS."
2) "The gods use these BLCloneHost tools in many ways. One way is in the context of dating. They will justify the abuse by instructing the computer to create golddigging thoughts. Of course with Italians this thought isn't artificial because so many are an affront. But as I personally know anyone involved with these people are in trouble, for computer-inspired thoughts often will be compensated, a foreboding reality for the people of the 20th century. They gods switch these tools for a new Brain-LessCloneHost and the computer pushes their date into perceiving a difference yet also pushes them into not caring or not wanting to see. The result is she ends up sleeping with multiple men."
1) "Poker/gambling web sites are all controlled by the computer. Other players in the room can be the computer, role playing virtually, stealing the disfavored's money in real time or, ironically, granting them a living by giving them free money, like we saw with Seabiscut. Other times the players are disfavored, granting them good cards so the disfavored player never has to get a job, ensuring he has no chance in this life and has to be reincarnated for he never achieves decency." [DAMMIT! I was gonna buy into this one until the 'Seabiscut' (sic) reference. Except it's donkeys, not racehorses.]
Well, true enough, the author of this is seriously in need of psychological help. Oh, wait, he's already rejected it:
"People who pursue psychoanalysis as a professtion are special, insigfhtful people who do have some depth. Sometime during their education or shortly thereafter they are told the truth, that their chosen profession is preditory, and to do the right thing means walking away from their educational investment. But it is either do this or initiate the clock, for if their stay in their profession their potential is limited."
Sadly, this guy is likely too far gone for psychoanalysis. But it doesn't mean it's not good reading, right? It reads like Redpill would, after about 20 years of forced daily LSD and forced Rev. Wildmon indoctrination.
Oh, no, it's starting::::to::::make::::sense::::to::::me after all. It's the colons; they're the clue. Each colon has two dots, and represents a deuce. I should play all hands with deuces and auto-push on 2-2. Deuces never looses!!!